I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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