He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
