i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
