If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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