My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
