Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I AM VODKA MAN
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
