he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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