Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
