i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my liver is dry heaving
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
