Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Randomize
