You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he shaved USA in his pubs
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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