Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
