When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
