did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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