also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
