did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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