I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
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Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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