i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
