Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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