Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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