I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
