rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
