I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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