dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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