how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
