it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
