Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
