i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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