i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
