I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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