I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
