on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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