Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
