During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
