apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
