Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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