oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
