I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
