i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I die, sorry about rent.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
