i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
