i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The Olympian is in my bed
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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