I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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