is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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