Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
