he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
