I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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