Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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