smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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