You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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