now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
