so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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