We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
