Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
