i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
