I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
