he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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