he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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